I am a miracle of God's healing and love

I have lived in isolation most of my life because to let anyone know the secrets of my past would be too much too bear. I had to protect myself at all costs—no one could really know the truth. Satan loves it when we isolate ourselves and we think we are alone because it is then he can destroy any hope we may have of anything ever changing. The Bible says ‘Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Proverbs 13:12. This confirms that God, Who Himself is hope, is deeply interested in bringing us to a place of hope in order that we might walk in health and wholeness and have abundant life. This place of isolation is where the enemy speaks his lies to us. But Jesus said in John 8:32 “And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” When I started to learn His word, believe His word and what it said about me How He felt about me—I was deeply loved -- it was then I began to really believe “ I am a new creation and I once again began to live ”

The Lord knew how to set me free from my past and that is why He allowed my life of pretending to come to an end. It has been 14 years since I began this journey. First my father died of cancer and the memories of the past abuse came flooding back. Day and night they played over and over in my mind. Then the end of my 17 year marriage--I could not take the hurt of his actions anymore. The separation and divorce left me and my children alone and hurting and because of my wounded past I did not know how to help them. So my family became a reflection of the family I grew up in where everyone carried their pain alone. I wanted so badly to make my family the family I never had. I felt like such a failure. It was out of God’s great love for me that He allowed this season of my life to begin. I knew I needed help. I started to see a Christian counselor for the next couple of years, he helped me to see myself and the abuse in a way I had never thought of ---it was not my fault. That never occurred to me. I later remarried and I thought all this pain and memories would just go away so I stopped going to counseling-- for awhile the pain stopped. Only to return later –with more wounds added to it. This is my story...

My life as a child and teenager…..

When I was a young girl, my mother told me that she didn’t want me and tried to abort me. She said the Dr. gave her some drug that was supposed to make her miscarry but instead it made her very sick. She was angry even as she was telling me. I believe that after she told me that it was the start of my constant thoughts of rejection and dying. My father started to sexually abuse me when I was about 4. I used to remember only beginnings and not endings. The abuse started out gradually –then turned to rape. I remember feeling so empty. I said to my father one time “other fathers don’t do this to there daughters” and he said ‘Oh yes they do.” It was then that I first began to feel hopeless. Those feeling were so overwhelming --I had no where to escape. I was trapped with no one to rescue me. I even tried to tell my mother what he was doing but as a little girl how do you describe what you are too young to even understand? I have also remembered that my mother was a part of the abuse. I was told to be a good little girl and do what I was told –this often meant sexual abuse.

I began drinking and doing drugs when I was about 11 mostly with my brother and his friends. They would come over after school while my parents were working. I felt accepted by them and by that age I did not know how to say “no” or that I could say “no” so many times I ended giving in to their advances. I wouldn’t find out until later how this had affected my life.

2nd marriage....

I began to experience problems in my second marriage. I began to spend a lot of time driving around and finding any excuse to be out at night, running from my problems at home because I could not see any solution to them. I know now that the more you focus on your problems the bigger they get in your mind and the greater hold the enemy has on you. My solution was to run from the hurt but it made things worse. One of these evenings that I was out I encountered a man who made unwanted advances at me and when I told him no he ended up beating and raping me but that was not the end of it. He continued to stalk me for the next year and a half and he would eventually attack me two more times. I felt so stupid and full of shame that I could not have prevented this from happening again and again so I ran each time hoping no one would find out but each time they did. I did go to the authorities but for some reason they could not help me.

I finally sought counseling with one of my Pastors ,who also was our prayer and deliverance pastor, and he helped to walk through all the pain this man caused and the abuse from my past. I found that forgiveness is the key to walking in freedom. I thought if I forgive it will be like saying all the things that happened to me were ok and it was no big deal. It was my life –this past of mine was all I knew. Moving forward in a new direction was scary and totally new to me. I hated this man and I did not want to forgive him. I had forgiven him before but he had done it again and again. I also had to forgive my father and many others who had hurt me. We forgive because He forgave us—it is not for the person who wounded us –they probably don’t even care. Unforgiveness hurts us. The Lord has proved He is faithful over and over and continues to hold me and heal me today. Forgiveness for me sometimes took a moment by moment decision to give it to Him and each time it brought me closer and closer to the freedom I wanted so badly.


The Lord has always had a plan for me, to bring me out of where I was although I could not always see it —Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” My journey has not been overnight and it still continues today but even this testimony the Lord will use to heal me. It has been a huge battle just to get me to this point because satan did not want me to give it. Rev 12:11 says --They overcame him (satan) by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony;

I have not arrived and I still have days of struggle but the difference is that I know the One who to run to –My Daddy—my heavenly Father whose strong arms will hold me—He is my refuge, my healer and deliverer.

I was reminded that Jesus still has scars. JESUS says My scars are healed and by them you will be totally healed one day. They will not always hurt or be a constant reminder—but it is your scars that I will use to lead others to me, trust me to continue to heal you. It is a journey we will take together and I will use you to show others the way. The Lord was true to his word and He has opened doors for me to share with other ladies who have had similar hurts as me.

Rejoice......